Jessie Sends An Email

Summary
After no-one showed up at the pool other than Jessie, Jessie decides to send an e-mail to them. However, Jessie had to go to the toilet and Rachel-Lou decides to post the e-mail on Facebook for everyone to see.

Scenes
Jessie's Email

Jessie: (Narrating) So I was walking in the middle of West Hollywood until this happened.

(People throw stuff and yell at Jessie)

Person 1: You fucking suck, Jessie!

Person 2: I wish you were dead!

Person 3: Fuck you, dumb slut!

Jessie: (narrating) Why do I deserve all of this bad reputation? It's like my four-leaf clover has turned into a lava rock. It must have all started when I penned the missive to end all missives.

Jessie: ATTENTION ALL USELESS ASSHOLE SLUTS – Congratulations! If you’re reading this it means...

Caitlin: ...you’ve overcome the limitations of your tiny manatee brains and opened an email. Now if you’re asking yourself “DERR, wait, I’m confused. Is Jessie talking to me? Am I a useless slut?" Simply ask yourself the following question aloud: ...

Adoriabelle: ..."IS MY NAME JOCELYN BAXFIELD, CAITLIN MORGAN, CARLY FALLON, CALEB ROGERS, HAL MANHATTAN, ADORIABELLE CHATEAUBRIAND, JON CYAN OR YUKI YOSHIDA?”...

Carly: ...If the answer to that is YES then FELICITATIONS! THIS MISSIVE IS FOR YOU!...

Jessie: ...So, do you all remember when we agreed to meet at the local pool and kill Tessa and I set the alarm on all of your phones so that when it came time to meet, the alarm on the phone would go off, and when it did, you didn’t even have to answer it? You just had to come meet at the aforementioned pool? And then do you remember NOT coming to the pool, despite me making it super easy for you by concocting a plan so simple that an orangutan could have figured it out? Like, literally a circus ape of moderate intelligence could have looked down at the phone sticking out of the single pocket in the front of his comical lederhosen and seen it light up and used his short little legs to waddle over to his tiny motorized shriners car and driven to the pool like I asked. Do you remember any aspect of this SUPER SIMPLE PLAN? That’s not a rhetorical question. I’m literally asking if your tiny slut brains have the power to process ANY OF MY SUPER-SIMPLE ORANGUTAN LEVEL INSTRUCTIONS! Because what I remember is that NONE OF YOU SHOWED UP! Which meant I had to sit at that stupid pool by myself like a GRADE-A ASSHAT with a bag full of enormous chains to drown Tessa Smaragd with and then have a super awkward convo with her where I was like “OH DURR I JUST LIKE BRING ENORMOUS CHAINS TO POOLS” and I looked like a total div...

Jon: ...I don’t entirely know what you whores and pricks could have been doing that was more important than helping the most important person ever drown a total bitch, but unless that thing you were doing was getting enemas of pure liquid gold at a new local establishment called “LIQUID GOLD COLONICS FOR YOUNG ASSHOLES”, like, if you were doing LITERALLY ANYTHING else, you all should seriously consider doing the human race a favor and getting sterilized...

Jessie: ...I’m not being facetious, I literally think you should consider undergoing a surgical procedure to remove your ovaries and sperm, thereby sparing human race exposure to your DNA. You eight fuckheads ARE THE WORST SPECIMEN OF HUMAN BEINGS EVER BORN and you should all REALLY watch your backs, because if some serial killer targeting people aged between 17 and 20 doesn’t chop off your heads, I'M GOING TO DO IT! So I can sell your tiny useless brain pans to science. Sincerely, Jessie Chaiki Yoshida. Jessie: (Narrating) And so, before I was emailing the letter to those eight assholes, I needed to go to the bathroom.

Rachel-Lou: What's this? (reads) Ooh, I'm so going to post this on her Facebook page.

Everyone Hates Jessie

Jessie: (Narrating) Then after the post was sent by some anonymous jerk, everyone thinks I'm worse than Hitler and Donald Trump combined!

Person 1: Hey Jessie, how does it feel to be the worst woman in history?

Person 2: Why did you post that message on Facebook Miss Yoshida?

Person 3: Jessie, why do you want to kill Tessa Smaragd?

Person 4: Jessie, do you have anything to say for yourself?

Jessie: Yes I do. To all of the seven billion people in this world who have ranked me number 1 in the World's Worst People List, the people who have treated me like shit in the past 20 years of my life and the people who think that I should kill myself cuz I'm a bad role model, I leave you all one thing... THAT YOU CAN ALL FUCKING SUCK IT!!!

(Everyone boos at Jessie)

Jessie's Attempt at Suicide

Yuki: Dad I'm scared, Jessie hasn't left her room for 4 days.

Yoshi: Well we've tried everything to cheer her up. How could one post on Facebook turn one of my beautiful daughters into a sad, depressed person?

Yuki: I'll call someone I know.

30 minutes later...

Toni: (knocks on the door) Hello Jessie? It's me, Toni.

(Jessie moans)

Toni: Should I come in? I'll take that as a yes.

(Jessie sniffs)

Toni: Hey Jezza, what's up?

Jessie: (cries) Nothing.

Toni: (points to a box) Uh Jess, what's that?

Jessie: I ordered an asp online so I can kill myself.

Toni: Oh Jess, please no more suicide attempts. Three years ago, you tried to kill yourself the same way as Kurt Cobain. And besides, this isn't an asp, it's another type of snake.

Jessie: What is it?

Toni: I don't know, but let's throw it out the window.

Jessie: Uh, I might want to save it for when I'm with Yuki.

Toni: Ok, but Jess, please don't be depressed for the rest of your life, enjoy it. We're friends afterall.

Jessie: True.